When You’re Not Okay
In the past two days, I’ve realized how difficult it is for me to talk to friends, and even family, about this journey. I’ve mostly been silent. I know if I tried to speak, it wouldn’t be much of a conversation. It’d be tears. Billions of tears. Because the words that I write are written amongst a sea of tears and prayers. They’re written when I’m at the feet of the Father, pleading for my child. Believing for a miracle. The emotions are overwhelming. And I can’t wrap them up in a cookie cutter conversation. So friends, don’t be confused by my silence. Don’t be offended by my inability to participate in small talk. I want to be authentic. I don’t want to hide our pain. But know how difficult it is to complete a conversation about this journey without becoming a well of tears.
We have full faith that the Lord is going to continue to strengthen us and give us the words and grace to speak boldly even in the midst of great pain. We feel crippled by sadness while also completely sustained by the joy and the peace of God. And how do you learn to balance those emotions? We’re navigating how to feel hope and joy while also feeling immense grief and sadness. But we know God is near. We know He’s the God of miracles.
Greater than all of this sadness is my desire for this child to be known and loved. I want to talk about our baby. So it’s okay to ask about him. But maybe don’t ask if we’re doing “okay”. I’ll go ahead and let you know, we’re not okay, and that’s okay. We feel immense sadness, but joy is also a close companion because the Lord is with us. So even though we’re not “okay”, we still are. We love this child. We believe he has great purpose. And we are so proud of him.
I’ve always written in a journal. I’ll sometimes share what the Lord is teaching me, but the entries are mostly just for me. As we venture through this season, I want to be as authentic as possible. Because the words of others who have endured this heartache before me have been tremendous comfort. The body of Christ is miraculous. I’ll be sharing some of my journals with you over the next few months. May God be glorified through our child.