When There’s Grief and Joy
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
Jesus is so near to us in this season. But I know He's always this near. We're just deciding to sense His nearness. We're choosing to feel His presence. I read His word, words that I've known all my life. But they have become life to our bones. They are medicine to our hearts. Never have we felt the presence and peace of God like we do right now.
As we navigate these days, our hearts have been filled with a delicate combination of grief and joy, sorrow and hope. We haven't allowed our hearts and minds to question God. We aren’t asking him, “Why?”. The night before our appointment with the high risk doctor, the Lord kept me up for several hours in the middle of the night. As I spent time with Him, He confirmed in my heart that He was all that I needed. He reminded me that He was always good and that His love endures forever. So while we may be grieving, we are not angry. How could I be angry with the One who created John Haven? It's difficult to comprehend, but the Lord loves John Haven more than we do. That’s difficult for our hearts to grasp. But in the middle of this grief, that's a safe place for my heart to dwell. In all things, even now, His love is trustworthy. He is still good.
Lord, I trust you with John Haven. He's Yours, not mine. And I am Yours, too.
As we try to continue our lives as normally as possible, I've had to come to terms with a few things. As I dwell in this balance of joy and grief, I’ve had to lean into Jesus and the body of Christ for wisdom on how to navigate these emotions. And what I’ve come to find is that just because I'm sad, it doesn't mean I don't trust the Lord. And just because I'm okay sometimes, it doesn't mean I'm not grieving. I understand the complexity of it all. Everyone else’s lives are continuing on, and we’re all in different seasons. Some are celebrating the miracle of new life, while others may be mourning the loss of a loved one. Where we stand, however, is in both seasons at once. We’re joyful and heartbroken. And I never knew I'd walk both of these roads at once. I wasn't prepared for this.
So we’re navigating our emotions, but what do we do now? This was one of the first questions I asked. Matt and I were on a walk the day we learned of John Haven’s condition. We were voicing our raw and honest emotions. Our questions. Our prayers. And I asked him, “How long do we believe for a miracle? How far do we let our hearts go?” I couldn't begin to imagine what life was going to look like over the next few weeks and months. How does a mama carry her child with a diagnosis of death but the hope of life? Looking back on those initial questions, I completely understand where my heart and head were in those moments. But oh the precious wisdom our Savior has given us over the past few days and weeks.
While we pray for the miracle of healing on Earth, the Lord has taught us that heaven is a miracle, too. So we won’t stop praying for a miracle. Life on earth or in heaven, well, they are both miracles. Either way, we win. Jesus wins! John Haven, he wins! Because as much as we want to know our child, to watch him take his first steps, shoot his first basketball, graduate college, and marry his bride; we know that receiving the miraculous healing of heaven and spending all his days with the Father, that's a glorious miracle, too! Our hope in heaven has never been more real. I dream of the next 70 years of my life being spent with John Haven here on earth, but oh am I grateful that I’m already promised eternity with him.
So here we are. Believing whole heartedly that our God is a God of miracles. He has all authority to heal John Haven. But we won’t be angry if he doesn’t give us the earthly healing we are praying for. Will our hearts grieve if a day comes where we have to say goodbye to him? Absolutely. But we’ve decided in our hearts that God is good. And that’s enough.
As we’re believing for this miracle, the Lord has been teaching us about the parable of sowing and reaping. We’ve decided if we sow for the miracle, we might reap the miracle. But if we sow for a funeral, we might reap the funeral.
I'm not ready to plan John Haven's funeral. So I'm not going to. John Haven is alive inside of me right now, and we are believing for the miracle of supernatural healing and life on earth. We believe he is going to be completely healed. It's the Lord who has the final word, and until He's asked John Haven to join him in heaven, this mama will not plan a funeral. I will not choose a gravesite nor a coffin. I won't choose a resting gown or a hymn to be played.
Instead, we'll buy him newborn clothes. We will set up Mills' big boy room so that John Haven can have the nursery. We'll buy new bottles and pacifiers and newborn sized diapers. Instead of preparing for a funeral, we're going to prepare for life. See, if we're believing for a miracle, we think we should prepare for the miracle. We're going to give God room to move.
We refuse to sow the seeds of death. Instead, we are going to sow seeds of life, expectant of the life that will join our family in a few months.
Though there are so many difficult pieces to this season, can I be honest? I am loving waking up each day and telling satan he loses. I'm in tears over this. We are defeating the enemy!!! How glorious is this? The enemy would love nothing more than for us to collapse over this pain. To give up our faith. To question God. But I refuse to let the enemy win. He has no power and no authority. He does not get to own this story. Jesus does. And Jesus will get all glory, however he decides this story shall end. People keep telling us that we're strong and brave. We're not. We have a mighty King who is strengthening us with His peace and love and opening our eyes to the opportunity He's given us to storm hell's gates and tell satan exactly who our King Jesus is. This truth overwhelms me. What an honor.
The Lord continues to teach us and shape us every second of every day. Ultimately, we’ve decided to enjoy these days. To let the tears be few and the joy be great. To live in the present, soaking in each day with our boys. We are speaking words of life over John Haven. Every day I tell him, “John Haven, you are healed. You will live!” And to the Lord I say, “You are Healer. You are all we need. Lord, heal John Haven.” These days are good, friends. And you know what? We’re only on earth for a short season. It’s eternity that matters. I’m grateful for the God that walks with me now and has promised me and my babies eternity with Him.
If you're praying with us along this journey, will you believe in the miracle, too? We'd love nothing more than for you to join us in prayer declaring COMPLETE healing over John Haven. We're not just believing for life or breath in his lungs. We are binding the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 in the name of Jesus and declaring his chromosomes to realign exactly as the Lord designed them to be. We believe the cysts that encompass his brain will be healed, for the walls and chambers of his heart to form, for his facial bones to grow, for his arms and legs to have the exact number of bones that they should, and for his genitalia to form exactly as it should. We believe for his omphalocele to be healed, and that all of his organs would be located inside his abdomen. Our baby is sick, we know this. But praise the Lord, we know the Healer, and we believe He is able!