He is Still Good
I’ve thought a lot about that first appointment. I was 9 weeks pregnant. The enemy had planted a few seeds of fear, but we were mostly so naïve and expectant of a normal pregnancy. We were discussing baby names, dreaming of Mills being a big brother, and hoping my morning sickness would end soon. We prayed diligently for our child, but our minds were still set on earthly things. We weren’t prepared to hear that our child might not live. But is anyone?
This journey we are walking is a holy one. The Lord has allowed our hearts to be thankful for this season. It’s an honor to carry John Haven. We are experiencing the Lord in the most intimate way. His presence has permeated our hearts and lives. He’s offered us supernatural peace, and we’ve felt the overwhelming comfort of the Holy Spirit.
In the days following John Haven’s diagnosis, we wondered how we were going to bravely navigate this season. Lately, the Lord has been teaching us that, just as he provided manna for the Israelites in the wilderness, he will provide exactly what we need each day. He is giving us just enough grace, just enough hope, just enough joy, just enough strength, and just enough peace to walk these days. We aren’t worrying about tomorrow.
All this hope, yet, it’s still difficult. It’s difficult to see my child on a screen, so broken and beautiful, knowing I can’t fix him. But these realities bring me right back to my Maker. These emotions usher me into a place of worship. While it’s difficult, it’s so freeing to know that I’m not in control. I’m not John Haven’s healer. We know the Lord is going to heal John Haven. We just don’t know if it’s going to be on earth or in heaven. Our prayer continues to be healing on earth. We pray we get to hold John Haven in our arms all of our days, not just in our hearts. Even still, our hope is in eternity.
As I sat waiting for my most recent ultrasound, my prayer was to not be shaken. No matter what we saw, no matter what I heard, my hope would remain in Jesus not a diagnosis. I recalled 2 Corinthians 4:18: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” As the ultrasound began, I could so clearly see John Haven’s brokenness. The Holy Spirit quickly filled the room, offering the perspective of eternity. He reminded me of the faithfulness of God. The miraculous power of our Father. The Lord’s perfect sovereignty. I would not be shaken by what my eyes were seeing. I would be filled with hope that either way, we still win. We want healing on earth, but if not, friends, He is still good.