John Haven’s Birth Story

We arrived to the hospital around 5:50 AM. After getting settled, Dr. T came in. It was around 6:30 AM. I was 3 cm dilated which was an answered prayer. I wanted my body to let me know it was ready. We didn't want to make the hard decisions. We wanted the Lord to make every decision very clear and easy. We were confident that inducing was a part of His plan. Our doctor broke my water then prayed with us. I’m so grateful for the doctors and nurses the Lord surrounded us with. They started the pitocin around 7:00 AM. As I started to contract, your heart rate began to dip. They stopped the pitocin and gave me the epidural. You continued to struggle during the contractions. We knew a C-section was a possibility, so it wasn’t a surprise when our plan quickly changed. We wanted to meet you alive. I was passionate about getting to labor some with you at the hospital. I wanted to feel ready, not rushed. I cried immediately as I realized we were about to meet you. For months we’ve felt your kicks and prayed for your healing. And I was moments away from seeing your face and holding you.

They rushed me to surgery. There were so many doctors and nurses in the room. One of the greatest blessings was how many familiar faces were in the room. Even though I was alone in those first moments waiting on them to bring Matt in, I knew the Lord’s presence was there and that he had created a dream team of doctors and nurses for me. We felt so loved, heard, and taken care of. Everything moved quickly. Everyone was ready to meet you. Ready to see you alive and breathing. Ready to see miracles. I never want to forget the feeling of you entering this world. The pressure, the pulling, the prayers, the tears, the hope.

The moment you were born was miraculous. 9:42 AM. We had been waiting on you and you were finally here. Praise the Lord, you were alive! Your heart beat, that was so strong in my womb, continued to beat. Dr. M protected your omphalocele then your daddy brought you over to me. I was immediately able to hold you skin to skin. Everything about you was perfect. We touched and studied every part of your face. We had about 30 minutes with you in the OR after your birth. While we never heard you cry, in the moments that you were alive, your daddy and I were able to see you move and watch you react to our touches. This is so special to us. Your movements will forever be a part of our memories.

We asked to see your hands and feet. They were perfect. Your feet are beautifully different. You had 5 toes on each foot, and just as we saw on your ultrasound, your left foot was clubbed. You were so little but your feet were so long. As I remember this, I simply want to carry you in my womb again and feel those feet kicking my ribs. Your hands were clenched with just 4 fingers on each hand. Your handprints are so beautiful. A reminder of the hands that were so uniquely yours. We were able to unclench your hands and your hands held onto our fingers. ​​

We asked to see your eyes and we were able to open them. They were just like your daddy’s. Looking into your eyes was amazing. I couldn’t hold back my emotions. My son, you were beautiful. Your nose was like your mama and Mills’ nose. Your mouth reminds us so much of Mills. You look just like him when he’s sleeping. You have the sweetest mark on your nose and near your eyes. Every part of your face is beautiful.

Those moments we held you felt supernatural. It felt like it was just me and you and daddy in the room, even though there were so many people helping with your delivery. I sang to you. While I carried you in my womb, I would rock you and Mills at night and sing songs of worship. On your birthday I sang “Amazed” and “How Deep the Father’s Love”. We told you how much we loved you. All about heaven. How beautiful and perfect you were. Dr. M regularly checked your heart rate. Those moments were difficult. We continued to pray for breath in your lungs, and held our own breath every time he listened to your heart. Before we left the OR he said that your heart rate was irregular and that we wouldn’t have much more time.

Once they finished stitching me up, I passed you to daddy. Seeing your daddy holding you is an image I’ll never forget. He loves you so much. If you were able to stay on earth, he would be your biggest fan. You have the best daddy. And even though you’re in heaven with your Creator, your earthly daddy will love and miss you all of his days.

They wheeled me back to our room and we had time to continue holding you and studying you. It was in the middle of these moments that we learned you were with Jesus. It was 11:30 AM. They weighed and measured you. You weighed 3 pounds 8 ounces and measured 15 1/2 inches long. We were able to bathe you which was a special moment. Our only time to give you a bath. I was so fearful of hurting you. Your bath was so delicate and intentional. We wanted to make sure you were perfectly clean. Dr. M. rewrapped your omphalocele and we were able to dress you ourselves. That moment was hard. We realized it was the only time we would get to dress you. You looked so perfect in your outfit. Your daddy and I worked together to carefully dress you in your gown. It is the same gown that we will use for all of your siblings. You’re already a little brother, but one day we hope you’ll be a big brother, too. And we believe your life will be an example for all of your siblings. 

After you were clean and dressed, we just held you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I have no regrets in how we spent our time with you. We pray you felt so loved. We pray we used our brief moments to give you a lifetime of love and attention. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and big brother came to see you and hold you. We showed off how perfect you are. Your hands and feet and lips and your head full of dark hair. You were covered in love and prayers.

We moved to a recovery room and were told we could keep you with us as long as we wanted. We held you. We wept. We read you and Mills a story together. We kissed you and held your hands. We brushed your hair and put lotion on your feet. John Haven, everything about you was perfect. When I looked at you, I didn’t see disease. I saw perfection. Everything about you. I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t stay here with us. Even then, after we knew you were in heaven, I just wanted to bring you home. We knew your spirit was in heaven already, but saying goodbye to your body felt so permanent. Before we had to say goodbye, we threw you a birthday party. We decorated, lit candles, and sang happy birthday. Your family surrounded you, and that moment of singing was beautiful.

The rest of the day daddy and I took turns holding you. When we finally decided we needed to rest, we set you down in your bassinet. Your daddy tucked you in and couldn’t stop talking about how perfect and innocent you looked. As I slept I kept expecting I’d hear you cry out for us. I kept expecting I’d need to nurse you or comfort you. But you just laid there so peacefully. It was our last night sleeping in the same room.
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When morning came, we immediately held you. We knew it was the day we’d be saying goodbye to you but I didn’t want to believe it. I asked over and over to take you home. As we went through the morning, I talked to you like I always did when you were in my womb. I tried to process how I would talk to you in the days ahead. How would I feel you again? The hours went by quickly as we loved on you and as family visited. Each person said their own goodbye to you. But it was Mills’ goodbye that wrecked me. He gave you hugs and kisses and waved goodbye. My dreams of your relationship came crashing down. I know he would have been your best friend.

Once it was time to prepare for goodbye, your daddy and I spent alone time with you. We worshipped and wept. We undressed you and studied your body one last time. We worked together to dress you and just held you. Our hearts broke before the Father as we prayed. John Haven, have I told you how perfect you are? Absolutely perfect.

Nothing prepared me for the moment we had to give you away. My heart was carried out of that hospital room. For 9 months, my body had been your safe place. As a mama I felt like I couldn’t protect you anymore. I told you over and over that you didn’t do anything wrong. That you didn’t deserve death. But that you would love heaven, and that you probably wouldn’t choose to come back to earth. I know you’re waiting on us there. You were just too perfect for earth. 

Once we gave you away, I was ready to the leave the hospital. It had only been 30 hours since my C-section, but the doctors and nurses were so gracious to our grieving hearts and allowed us to go home. I carried all of your belongings in my lap as they wheeled me to the car. We completely trust the Lord's plan in all of this, but no mama should walk into a hospital with her baby then leave without him. As I climbed into our car, glancing at the infant carseat in the backseat, I thought, "This isn't how it's supposed to be." 

Can I tell you some good news? It's not supposed to be like this. As I grieve saying goodbye to my baby, I hold on to the promise of heaven. I remember that while I longed for his healing on earth, that the Lord's ultimate plan for healing is eternity. John Haven is completely and perfectly healed. I can't imagine how many moments in my life I will think, "John Haven should be here". But you know what? I don't think John Haven would come back to earth if he had the choice because heaven is so good. So, though my heart aches for him to be with me and my arms feel so empty, I'll rejoice that he is perfectly healed and whole. I'll remember that his Creator loves him with such a great love. And I'll rest in the promise that I'll see him again in eternity.